Photino

At the end of the day, I have realized something. Just now. No joke right-this-fucking-instant.

And that is- I like to write. You may have noticed this by the insane number of projects I've begun, and the insane number of ideas floating around inside my head (well I have anyway). I do a lot of thinking- too much usually. Thoughts of life and death, thoughts of good and evil, thoughts of what I had for breakfast and what I'll have for lunch. Thoughts of what I want to do in college, thoughts of the girl who dwells on my mind, so close yet so far. Thoughts of my family, thoughts of my friends. Thoughts of the ones I've loved, the ones I've hated, and the ones who are simply there, existing but of no consequence to me.

Suffice to say, I do a lot of thinking. (Not that that statement is really sufficient, seeing as how I just listed a bit) But even thinking has it's limits. No one's memory is perfect, and no one can remember every thought, every whim, every emotion. That is why I like writing. It allows you to record your thoughts so that one day you can look back and say: Oh! God damn I was such a kid back then. Which is what I do, often.

My writing is like my thoughts actually. Short, abrupt, never focusing on one thing for too long. I jump from place to place inside my mind, looking out over the myriad wastelands and verdant jungles. I glide over wisps of longing, tendrils of emotions that can never truly be described. Happy and sad, anger and sympathy, they seem so inadequate sometimes. I can go from the depths of a forest of peace and tranquility to the monstrous heights of despair and depression. I swim one minute in sweeping currents of energetic passion for my work and my life, and in the next, I float listlessly in a sea of hatred for all living things.

My mind is truly the only uncertainty in my life. I live each day with very little doubt of what is to happen. Even the surprises offer little in the way of difference or excitement. Only my mind provides true departure from the way things must be. I can close my eyes, and will not know what is to come next. My imagination jumps from place to place, searching for adventure and the unknown, things that are sadly not a part of the real world anymore.

But back to writing. It allows me to say what I mean, and mean what I say. Or I don't have to mean what I say- that is it's beauty. They are simply words on the paper, or the screen, until meaning is applied, and then they can be given power that no one else can truly copy. I enjoy the easy flow of simply writing. I don't need to hav a plot, although I enjoy writing the exploits of others, those who do not exist in the world around me, but in the wonderful expanses of my mind. I think that they live their unique lives in a much more exciting way than I live mine.

Though they are residents of my mind, I d not know the futures of these characters, they invent it themselves, slowly drawing from the darkest and brightest and strangest corners of my imagination until they have been melded into something I never would have expected, and never sought to awaken in the first place. Oftentimes, the main characters in my stories are individuals that I have imagined myself as being- most notoriously young, immature youths, intent on finding themselves, and finding their purpose in life.

That is really what my writing is. Trying to find a purpose for myself. I imagine all these incredible, far fetched realms of creativity and excitement. But I never dinf myself, which is why none of my stories are never completed. I watch them grow and chance, but they never really hit the mark. It has made me wonder as of late whether or not I will find my purpose any time soon. I have known for some time that the purpose of all is to help those who require it, but I have not found my true calling. I write because I enjoy it. I do higher mathematics because I can. I program computers because they respond to my will, and they are easy to bend. I give advice, and speak to my friends and try to make it better for everyone, but oftentimes I find myself unsure of how passionate I really am about such things. Do I really care about my friends? Am I really meant to do the things I do?

Of course, these thoughts would seem to imply that there is an alterior motive at work- some force of nature or even this god thing that people keep going on about. I would like to make a correction right now. I will not say I do not believe in god. I will only say that I have claimed, through my individuality, that I have a purpose. I have also claimed my own immortality, so there you go.

Yes, I am crazy. Yes, I realize how stupid I may sound, and how ridiculous it is. But there is only one thing I believe in, and that is myself- at the moment, if I can not believe in myself, the only thing I can do is lay down and die, and I have absolutely no intention of doing that anytime soon.

No intention of doing that ever, in point of fact.

Kinda bored at work... not much to do so I started writing:

Wow... okay, so I almost dropped my lap top from the top of stairs... heart still slightly racing. Okay, I realize that it's not as bad as say, myself falling down the stairs, but it's pretty fracking close. My lap top (and any computer really) is what, at the end of the day, keeps me sane. Sure, there are people in my life, and I love my family and friends, but life itself just drives me off the wall. People in general annoy me, and I'll be the first too admit that on many an occasion I can get very frustrated over simple things. Which is why I love computers- for some reasons, the complicated things don't annoy me. In fact, they make me relaxed and get me thinking and awake. I just understand computers for some reason...

Anyway, on to the post! First of all... why the bloody hell is this song so damn catchy! This is TWO songs now that I have found myself listening to that are from genres I would never normally touch (I'm a fracking power metalist for gosh darn sake!) Anyway, watch the above video at your own risk... it has slightly mature themes (girls in lingerie etcetra). The other song I mentioned is this pretty awesome little rap: Handlebars. I refuse to offer my own interpretation of the song- suffice to say I believe it has meaning and I'll be darned if it doesn't give me some serious shivers by the end of it.

Things that I was worrying about have come to pass, and the only thing I could do (and still respect myself as a human being and a seeker) was help my friend- he's been there for me when I need him, and I could do no less. He and his girlfriend broke up a week and a day ago, and I helped him through it (as best I could). I got a few friends together and we went and saw the Hulk- which was pretty sick, not gonna lie. Anyway, I also reassured said friend that he was an incredibly sexxy hulk who would have another girlfriend in no time (he of course, laughed half heartedly and gave the usual, yes- but that doesn't make me feel any better. Funny that's the same feeling I always have in this situation. Minus the sexxy hulk part)

Work is chugging along as only a desk job on a data analysis team can. Haven't done too too much, but the projects I have worked on have gotten slightly... well, difficult, seeing as how each one manages to meet one road block or another- whether it be a software problem, a database problem, or the simple fact that  I don't need to be doing it in the first place. I usually end up spending a good portion of time writing, reading (online), learning (c++, lisp, or R), or talking with the other intern, the friend who got me the job in the first place. I know it can be a lot of fun... I just have yet to discover the fun part.

I leave for Cancun in just over a week, and I can't say that I'm not excited, no matter how unsettled I am by the fact that it will almost be a family reunion- I won't let it stop me from enjoying my vacation! Now I just wonder if I shall be bringing my little box of sanity along with me, or I will go truly crazy by the end of it...

Fare thee well good reader, and may the answers you seek be found. (I'm a seeker of truth, what do you want from me)

EDIT!

SHIT! Almost forgot to rave about the new Joss Whedon show: Doll House! IT LOOKS AMAZING!

Carry on.

Well, I started work Monday, and I am glad to say that things are looking much better than last year. Both me and my friend (we are both interns) have our own office! And better computers than last year as well. We are working with the data analysis team- I program and he... well I'm not quite sure what he does. But he does it well!

Actually, he is supposed to be learning to program, but the need hasn't really come up yet. I've been trying to work through a new package for our analysis team, which isn't going very well. my boss is out until next Monday, so progress will be slow.

On the other hand, I'm getting better at Lisp, which is always good, and in the mean time I need to learn R (for the data analysis).

In other, none work related news, I'm really into Genesis of Aquarion. It's a pretty awesome mech anime- although, as with most of the anime I am into, it is a little it on the strange side. Although I guess that would describe my life in general.

Of course, then there is a the little itsy bitsy fact that graduation is in LESS THAN A WEEK! I'm very excited, and can't wait to be officially done with high school.

IRON MAN ROCKED MY SOCKS X 10!!!


...yeah

Yes... you guessed it. Relationship numero tres was a flop. Again, I ended it, although this time it was me, and not her. It was also the shortest relationship I've ever been in- only one week. Not even a week technically. But I'm going off to college, she's a junior... and I just wasn't feeling it. I didn't like her as much as I thought I had.

Of course, as is quickly becoming more and more obvious to me, the other person doesn't shrug it off simply because you do. We were pretty good friends before this whole fiasco, and I was hoping we could just go back to being friends. She is, of course, determined to make this NOT happen. I just want to know how someone can go from liking someone a lot to downright hatred.

I mean, I get that someone was hurt. I understand. But to hate someone for not sharing your affection at the same degree seems slightly extreme. Stupid really. Be upset... but don't hate them. Unless they cheat on you of course- then feel free.

I don't know, maybe I'm just too much of a rational person. Or maybe it's because I'm a guy. My first girlfriend cheated on me with my best friend. I still talk to her, and he's still my best friend. I was upset for a while, but the value of their friendship outweighed the anger I felt. I realized that I had liked her for so long that I couldn't just erase all that. And he was like a brother to me- I wasn't going to throw it away.

Oh well, maybe I'm just different. My mother thinks it's because I've never fallen hard for somebody, but I disagree. I think it's that I'm just weird.

Well, tonight I went out and rented both Cloverfield and The Golden Compass (I've seen both, but my parents have seen neither) and so we sat down and watched both of them.

And all I have to say is that they are really great movies. Cloverfield can get kind of annoying as far as the camera goes, but that is there on purpose, so I won't say it's a bad thing. The story, while not incredibly original, has a few nice turns. The one thing I still do not get is that people keep saying they see something in the last shot at Coney Island- I have never seen it. And I rewound three times.

The Golden Compass is simply Fantastic. I read the books (about four or five years ago) and I think that the movie did an adequate job of sticking to them. I think that the amount of information that was given in the opening was a bit much, but there you go. The CGI was simply gorgeous.

Of course, the movie I really want to see is Iron Man- it looks awesome.

So... Prom was probably the most interesting night of my month. Now, my school is only two years old, so we didn't have a prom last year, so I've never been to one before- so I really didn't know what to expect. But let's start with the fact that it was a month earlier than most other high schools in the country. I mean Good God- why put prom the weekend of the week before AP exams? We're supposed to be worrying about prom dates and prom tuxedoes (and dresses etc) while worrying about your ap exams? right...

Then there was the music- which was the general mix of tunes that I do not like. 'Course I dont like dances that much in particular... so don't mind me. The theme was Las Vegas, and the card tables scattered around one of the two rooms at the place (it was about a hour away)  were kinda fun. And we got free card decks.

But prom was not nearly as fun as dinner before prom- Seeing as how we got to the dinner barely 45 minutes before prom was to start. Needless to say we didn't get to prom ontime. In fact, we got there seconds before they closed the doors. In the worst rain storm this year, I may add...

It was fun!

So, a few months ago, my mom and dad began discussing this summer's vacation, and my sister and I suggest we go somewhere tropical. Surprisingly enough my parents agree (We have NEVER gone on a vacation as a family farther away than Goergia) It was supposed to be the four of us, and it would be celebrating my graduation from college. I liked the idea, since it was probably the last time we would be able to go on vacation for quite some time (I'm off to college for at least 4 years, and after the first 3, my sister goes off too, probably for another 4 years, and we will be paying for that for years).

Now of course, the entire family is coming. Everyone. My mom's aunts, my mom's cousins, my mom's cousin's snotty children. And we don't find out until now, she didn't ask us, she didn't tell us. It goes from the four of us spending a few days together to everyone being there. And she doesn't understand why I'm upset!

ARGH!

Before I post this, I would like everyone to know that I am simply telling a story- the views expressed here are not in any way appliable to the present world... Not that anyone will ever read this. I found it from last years (2007) Nanowrimo, and figure i'll post fragments, and on the off chance anyone finds it, they might comment on it. So tell me what you think!

Also, you should note that most of it hasn't been touched since I first wrote it- the whole idea of Nanowrimo  is to write as much as possible and to hell with grammar and spelling etcetra...

Well, we here at C- High School are in the second week of our performance of High School musical, and oh what fun it is! I actually enjoyed doing this production of the musical, even though I hate the movie with several levels of hot fiery passionate hate emoticons: HATE. But seriously- high school theater is fun no matter the play, because theater people are just that awesome. Oh- the classic 5 to 1 girl to guy ratio never hurts at all. But yeah- fun play.

In other news- Lisp is quite possibly the most awesome programming language ever to be created, although I still like c++ and still hate Java. Oh! C- High School came in third at a programming competition! Oh yeah, hot stuff! We got a trophy and everything, and beat both of my previous schools. Won a programming  book too- albeit a Java one. DirectX 10 Game Programming was there, but some little bastard got it before me because of door prizes (the bum got two!) but I might be able to get it because my teacher can simply request it for programming class and they'll get it for free.

On the whole I'm a very happy person at the moment. Broke up with my girl friend (shortly after my last post) and realized just how much that relationship was killing me, and now I am such a much more happy person. She's turned into a total bitch, but there you go- I didn't really expect much else. Well I had- then I realized that she'd always been like that, more or less, and I just refused to see it. But now I'm sleeping better and am not so tired and might possibly become human again.

Well, Jumper was a pretty good movie, IMO. Not really that much to say, but I figured if I wanted to say something that no one would here, this was the place. On that note, I would like to say that I do not like the limitations placed on students these days. Maybe I'm the only one, but if students want to learn 3-D graphics concepts for programming strategy games, they should be given the chance. If I want to learn how to make a graphics engine, I should be given the chance to learn in a fun, safe environment. Of course, the idea of a fun safe environment is kind of out there, but the offer should at least be there.

Unfortunately the offer is not there, and I have to go learn the stuff on my own. It wasn't exactly the hardest thing I've ever done, but it would have been a whole lot simpler if I'd had a teacher teaching me. Of course, I already knew most of the mathematics involved (it's really simple 3 dimensional math, I covered it already in Multi-variable Calculus, it just hadn't clicked on how to do it). Now I'm confident I can at least make an attempt to maybe construct an imitation of a 3-D graphics engine. Granted, it will be awful, but what do you expect from a senior in high school who had to learn it from the internet?

But back to jumper, which speaking of 3-D graphics, it had rather awesome special effects in my opinion. I liked it. My girlfriend didn't, but there you go. I usually like the movies she doesn't. I liked seeker:darkness rising. Of course, I'm also a fan of all the new star wars movies, so there you go. Pretty much it was the story of a teenager whose mom abandoned him and his father when he was five. At age 11-15ish (not really sure, I don't think they ever specified, but 8 years later he's an adult, go figure) the guy (I forgot his name... David) discovers that he has the ability to create temporary wormholes and move through them. Now, if you've ever met me, you will realize why I loved this movie. The mere mention of wormholes and instant teleportation make me giggle. But there was also a story, involving Samuel Jackson, Davids high school crush and a heavily accented gent who lives in the desert and hunts the paladins. The paladins are the ones who hunt the jumpers (wormhole dudes) and they shoot them with electricity.

The only problem I had with the movie was that Samuel Jackson had white hair. Maybe it was supposed to make him look like an even bigger asshole then all the killing of the protagonist would have. Either way, he looked awful with it.

Other then that, not much to talk about. I've been working on a dungeons and dragons campaign setting (yes, I'm a nerd) and been working on my game, Star Saga. Other then that, not much. The War of Souls is a pretty decent series, but then again, so is Honor Harrington (Weis & Hickman for the former, David Weber for the latter). But in the end you simply can't defeat the awesome talent of Dan Abnett and his Gaunt's Ghosts novels. They are simply some of the best science fiction out there, for those inclined to war novels in the far future where the only hope is that you aren't torn apart by angry chaotic fallen angels. I mean space marines.

Remind to talk about Terry Brooks sometime. He's even better than Abnett.

But on to the bitching about my life that I must continue from 3-D graphics teaching, or the lack there of. I still have trouble sleeping: If I take medicine, I'm simply bitchy and tired during the day. If I don't take the medicine I don't sleep, and I'm simply tired during the day, even more so than when I take the medicine. So it's either really really really tired, or bitchy and tired. Not fun. Depression also seems to set in all the time, I have the weirdest rants in my head towards my own friends that I would never say out loud and would never understand. They simply pop up there. I don't like them, and wish they would go away.

I also have trouble concentrating. If it's learning 3-D graphics or reading, I still have trouble, but no where near as bad as say in English class or Physics, or even math. And I love math. Of course, writing this I'm fine. It's 10:16 at night and I'm not tired at all. I used to be a morning person, but now I do best at night. Kind of frustrating. My mom says that I need to be more active, claiming that this started after soccer season ended and I stopped playing, but this was going on before the season ended. It started long before school started even, I just can't pinpoint the exact date. Sometime last year, towards the start of it. Probably a year ago actually... Oh well, I still go on. I will survive, more or less. It's just kind of annoying.

Night

Well, we have an essay for english on Jane Erye, and I really, really did not like this book. So I made a fake essay, just before the real one. This is it:

    So yeah, Jane Erye is a book about this girl named Jane Erye. It was written by Charlotte Bronte while she was high on methamphetamines. The main character, Jane Erye, was not high. She does however have an odd assortment of acquaintances and homes. Her first true friend is a ginger, who dies, of a plague, painfully, while being lesbian in the bed, at age 12. This occurs at the Lowood institution for girls, a school run by the upstanding Brocklehurst who had several large pointy sticks up his ass. Brocklehurst, who preaches against vanity and for solemnity has two whores for daughters and a wife who sleeps with members of parlaiment. Another home she lived in was Thornfield where she was governess to the lovely Adele, a young french girl who had dreams of becoming a singer/song writer/ playboy bunny porn star. In her free time, she sings about naughty love affairs with naughty spanish boys, and girls on occasion. Miss Erye also comes into contact with the venerable Mister Rochester, an upstanding if slightly hideous member of british society. Mister Rochester takes immediate liking to Miss Eryes rather skimpy clothing and wants to bed her furiously.
    The difference between these two locations lends itself to the story of Miss Jane Erye by providing contrasting views of Britsh views of British Soceital views on the nature of the views of women who view themselves as whores but want to view themselves as the people who do this sort of viewing in the first place. Viewing this sort of contradiction helps the reader, who has nothing better to do then read this book, grasp the difference between Jane's many and varied alter egos. Hinted at but never confirmed, Jane Erye was in fact Schizofrenic and was in fact Bertha, the crazy yet but beautiful woman who Mister Rochester was married too. Over the course of the novel, the various Jane Eryes are revealed by their environment. For instance, at Lowood, the solemn, independent, ravaging, polite yet aloof, and intelligent Jane Erye manages to succeed at school in the face of adversity, racism, sexism, anti-semitism, unfair punishments, lack of sexual activity, and cold weather.
    But then Janes friend abandon her by succumbing to the plague. This shows how Jane Erye became angry at her loved ones and did not appreciate their blatent lack of care for her. She did not like the way they abandoned her to the doom and dread she now faced. She loved her friend very much but then the friend moved to France, also known as hell. Oh its okay, its just a few states away. But Jane knew better. She  knew she would see that friend again, because she's going to heaven. She would just have to find new ones who were so much cooler and more fun than the last one. Then Jane hung up on her friend, she hung on her friend, she hung up on her friend, she hung up on her friend, no matter the friends protests, because the friend was being a not nice person and a fucking retard.
    Contrastingly, at thornfield, also known as paint branch high school, Jane is shown love and respect that she never knew elsewhere. The people at Thornfield realize who amazingly awesome, sexxy, funny, intelligent and just plain damn hott Miss Erye is. No matter how many times Miss Erye was called Fugly, she stood up to the hatred and adversity and managed to even flick off the annoying friend who continued to be a _____. At Thornfield, there was the kind although sex driven Mister Rochester who had an intense passion for Jane, although there were some issues with this could be romantic relationship. First of all Mister Rochester was downright insulting in his courtship of the lovely Jane. Second of all Rochester was expected to marry within the social classes established in Britain at the time. After several missed attempts to find love with other women, Rochester finally decided that Jane would be his. This displays another one of Jane's many Alter Egos; the desperate gully slut. She threw away the singer/song writer/playboy bunny porn star act to finally settle down and become one with Mister Rochester. Unfortuanately there were even more complications. It turned out that Bertha, another of Jane's alter Egos was already one with Mister Rochester. Jane/Bertha/Playboy bunny Porn star did not care for this arrangement and decided to set the house on fire, killing several of the Alter Egoes. She also managed to slash Mister Rochester with her shank made from a certain playboy bunny purse and this resulted in Rochester being half blinded. The other eye was blinded when he realized just how damn fugly Jane really was. Unfortuanately there was nothing he could do seeing as how the Playboy bunny alter ego threatened castration if he did not become her sex toy. The End.

Since it is NaNoWriMo, and I've only had this thing for what, 5 months or so, I've decided to finally make a post. Not that there is anyone who reads it, but a guy can dream. Anyway, I have made a NaNoWriMo commitment, and my story, as it stands right now, is 20,227 words long, which is a personal record. It is a work of science fiction, and has as little 'real' science as possible. There is not a lot of mumbo jumbo, so I personally think that it is quite easy to read.

I have titled it Alliance: Ascension, but that is all the information that you will be getting out of me until it is completed, at which point I'll probably post bits and pieces on this website so that people can read it. (Again, this is me dreaming. As of right now, I have no friends)

Anyway, for the poor, unfortuanate soul who stumbles across this page, wish me luck! I will do this!

-Jimmy